[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
You Might Also Like
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?