*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
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My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
My safe word is Worcestershire