Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
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One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Wait a second…
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.