@BBQJones28: Eye of the Tiger came on the radio so I jumped out my car and shadow boxed till the light turned green.
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@Kirinodere: Obama: I'm going to miss living in the White Hou- Biden: DUUUDE look at my roll! Obama: MAAAN is that UR Kotori?
@JDBooie: TSA training manager: "What would you do upon finding a kilo of cocaine?" ME: "A lot of cocaine."
@thepunningman: wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen
@JermHimselfish: Dance like nobody's watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn't text you too much. Sing like you didn't struggle with algebra in 9th grade.