[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
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I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
What’s this sorcery? 😂
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣