@mattZillaaaa: *eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
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@pixelatedboat: For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won't dig you up and slap you around when I'm feeling mad at skeletons
@bdbdleeroybrown: My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
@DanMentos: [grabs mic during TED Talk] They're towing a BMW in the parking lot *crowd goes apeshit*
@TjSmooth0: I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I'm worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.