Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
You Might Also Like
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
#DesignFail
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*