Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
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I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable