me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
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Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.