Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
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Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.