[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
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The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
If you want my opinion ask my wife
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
$4 #usedbooks
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
the red hot silly peppers
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Proofread twice, hang posters once
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.