[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
You Might Also Like
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.