[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I’m ready for Halloween this year
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops