(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
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Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
opening a flower shop called women in stem
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS