(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
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It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
*aggressively waits in line*
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.