[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
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I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade