Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
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Big Sex has us all fooled
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd