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Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
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The two types of wives
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.