Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
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Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
men are simple creatures
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”