4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
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I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.