@Brampersandon_: ME: *eating fast food* VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff? ME: Yeah VG: That stuff is gonna kill you ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

@SonOfCha: When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it's been there for years & set it free.

@LizHackett: Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

@haveigotnews: Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

@VanVeenB: Ain't no sunshine when she's gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain't no sandwiches either.