@alispagnola: Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren't supposed to make you dumber.
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@timdonakowski: Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
@QwertyJones3: [Playing piano to impress a Russian girl] "Do you like it?" Her: That's sheet music "Yes, it is." Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
@hippieswordfish: [arcade] KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine DAD: hey buddy, why don't you give the kid a turn LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE'RE IN LOVE