Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
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Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.