[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
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Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board