Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
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*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps