4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
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Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.