[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
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Quadruple digit IQ
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Y’all ready for this
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?