Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
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Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
our love story in four pictures
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.