Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
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[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.