Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
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Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.