@Schmoodles: Facebook is a good reminder that I went to school with idiots.
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@Home_Halfway: ME: Hey you haven't talked to me lately, are you mad at me FRIEND: No things are just really awful ME: Oh thank god FRIEND: What
@RexHuppke: When the priest says "Body of Christ" I say "Thanks, I've been working out." Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
@AGreaterMonster: If Twitter adds an edit button you'll retweet "I like kittens" and ten minutes later it'll say "I drink period blood."
@MajorFlake: Give a man a fish and he will think, "What a creepy gift." Teach a man to fish and he will think, "My god, I have never known such boredom"