I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
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Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.