Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
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A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Erm I’m gonna say no
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary