facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
You Might Also Like
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
This is not me but this is me
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?