@super_morgasm: Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don't end up like everyone I went to high school with.
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@mattZillaaaa: [during a plane crash] Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
@: Apparently people running at the airport are trying to catch a flight & TSA does not need me to intervene and stop an international criminal
@bornmiserable: Guys who say there's a party in their pants are probably referring to search parties.
@sleepwalkingdog: Lois: "I saw Batman yesterday. He's put on a lot of weight" Clark: *lowers glasses* "More like Fat- Lois: "Oh my god it's Superman"