@super_morgasm: Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don't end up like everyone I went to high school with.
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@TheOfficialTed: Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy's fault. Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney's fault.
@Tommytoughstuff: "Let's check in with Ted our correspondent in the field." Ted: "Hey Bob I've been in this field for about an hour, and I'm super bored."
@juliussharpe: Maybe we should stop making ski masks since no one wears them except bank robbers.