Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
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Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.