Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
You Might Also Like
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.