[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
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Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.