Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
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Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Me trying to look natural in photos
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.