Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
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My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.