Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
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I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.