Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
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Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!