Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
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Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
this makes me so uncomfortable
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me: