@DanOverHere: Facebook needs an "I've already seen this on Twitter" button.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: COWORKER: how old is our boss? ME: cut him in half & count the rings CW: doesn't that only work on trees? ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE'S 38
@AGreaterMonster: I always keep a hammer in my pocket in case someone asks me to help them fix something so I can immediately break my leg.
@OVLH: I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
@anerdonfire2: Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin...no matter how epic it is