Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
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Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Baby rabbitsđ° look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Donât! I heard myself too.
My teen said âif you donât like the way Iâm doing the dishes, then do them yourself,â and lived to tell the tale.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Customer is always right
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
As a parent itâs my job to shout âBe careful!â at my children just after theyâve fallen over
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now Iâm snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didnât.