Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
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Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully