me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
You Might Also Like
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color