Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
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The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Rooting for the overdog
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.