Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
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health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before