Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
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How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?