Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
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Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
notice
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers