@minafisheyes: Facebook sent me a notification....unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
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@boring_as_heck: A big thank you to whoever spraypainted "KARATE" on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.
@imchriskelly: i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
@JosesLovesYou: -911 Whats the emergency? My wife is suffocating me -Literally or figuratively sir? Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?