Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
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me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I’m calling the cops.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Go girl power!
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ