Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
You Might Also Like
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Noted.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.