Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
#FunnyLife Insects
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.