FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
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First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.